Fitness Jokes & Quotes

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Amusing and Funny Fitness Tales and Jokes

Hilarious Joggers Tale


This story is allegedly true, and is about one of the finest athletes Will and Guy have ever seen: Michael Johnson.

Apparently the Olympic gold medal runner was on his way to a night club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said, ‘Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here, no denim allowed.’

Michael was quite upset at this and retorted, ‘Don’t you know who I am? I’m Michael Johnson.’ ‘Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?’ concluded the bouncer with finality.

Repartee Take 2

John, a regular runner, asks his wife, Jayne, ‘What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?’ ‘What I love most about you,’ responded Jayne quickly, ‘is your enormous sense of humour.’

You realise how your body has changed when your children look through your wedding photos and want to know who mum’s first husband was.

A Hilarious and Funny Story About Joggers Hilarious Joggers Tale

Paula had been driving all night and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost ten o’clock in the morning and she was extremely fatigued. After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull into a lay-by and rest. Paula switched off the engine and closed her eyes and drifted off, gratefully, to sleep.

As she did an old man in a bright yellow jogging tracksuit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death. ‘Sorry to wake you, ma’am,’ he huffed, jogging on the spot, ‘But can you tell me what time it is?’

Paula glanced at her watch. ’10:00,’ she answered through the window.

The old man thanked her, then left.

‘Just my luck,’ she muttered. ‘I’m parked on someone’s jogging route.’ With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried again to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn’t been so dead tired, she may have found them attractive. Now, they were just annoying.

‘Hi,’ said the first.

‘Do you have the time?’ his fair-haired friend asked.

Paula let out a big sigh and said, looking at her watch. ’10:08.’

‘Thanks,’ they smiled as they jogged off.

Paula looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Now irritated, she found a pen from the glove box and scrawled: ‘I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME’ on the back of a magazine.  She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.

Soon a thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she had started dozing off.

Paula pointed at the sign and shouted, ‘For goodness sake, can’t you read?’

To which he replied, ‘Sure I can, ma’am.  I just wanted to let you know: It’s 10:15.’


Will’s Funny Fitness WorkoutFunny Fitness Workouts

The Doctor has told Will that he should start a fitness programme.

……..and Will, not wanting to harm his old, rather corpulent, body, has decided to put the following weekly regimen into practise:

Day 1

Beat around the bush several times
Jump to conclusions all the time
Climb the walls
Wade through the daily paper from start to finish

Day 2Funny Workout

Drag my heels constantly
Push my luck all the time
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head regularly

Day 3

Bend over backwards Funny diet quotes
Jump onto the latest bandwagon
Run around in circles all day

Day 4

Advise the Prime Minister how to run the country
Blow my own trumpet constantly
Pull out all the stops for just today
Add fuel to the fire

// // »

Day 5

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth regularly
Start the ball rolling often
Go over the edge in the evening

Day 6

Pick up the pieces
Raise the roof
Lift a pint many times
Skip the washing up

Day 7

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Raise my hands in praise
Hug and cuddle someone and encourage them
What an amazing workout!

An Effective WorkoutDiet starts here

Jack, decidedly overweight, and not at all bright, asks Doctor Mayo at Portchester Health Centre, for help in losing weight. The doctor advises Jack to run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, she promises, will help Jack lose as much as twenty pounds in a month.

Jack, naturally very excited, follows Doctor Mayo’s advice to the letter, and, after thirty days, he is delighted to find that he has, indeed, lost twenty pounds.

Delighted, Jack ‘phones Doctor Mayo and thanks her profusely for the wonderful advice which had produced such a tremendous result.

At the end of the conversation, however, he asks one last question, ‘How do I get home now, Doctor, since I am some 300 miles away?’

// // »

Ten Excellent and Funny Thoughts About Walking

  1. Walking 20 minutes can add hours to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $8000 per month.
  2. My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was 60…………………….Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
  3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  4. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  5. I joined a health club last year, spent about 450 dollars. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
  6. Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
  7. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  8. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very small country.
  9. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years………………..just getting over the hill.
  10. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a “Happy Hour” and by the time I leave, I think I look just fine.

You could walk this over to your friends but it’s less hassle to just e-mail it to them.

Will wanted to include this last quote: I don’t jog…………. it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.



Quotations about Dieting

When we lose twenty pounds… we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have!  We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.  ~Woody Allen

Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.  ~English Proverb

Your stomach shouldn’t be a waist basket.  ~Author Unknown

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.  ~Author Unknown

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, The Affluent Society

The cardiologist’s diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.  ~Author Unknown

One should eat to live, not live to eat.  ~Cicero, Rhetoricorum LV

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.  ~Author Unknown

I’ve decided that perhaps I’m bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.  ~Paula Poundstone

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins.  Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.  ~Stephen Phillips

It’s okay to be fat.  So you’re fat.  Just be fat and shut up about it.  ~Roseanne Barr

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.  ~Jean Kerr, “Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall,” The Snake Has All the Lines, 1958

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.  ~Author Unknown

When friends tell you how awesome you look, drop the “I still have more to go” crap.  You worked hard and you deserve the compliment!  ~Jillian Michaels

The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.  ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, “You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.”  ~Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.  ~Don Kardong

Reality check:  you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight.  At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems.  You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life.  Losing weight is not a cure for life.  ~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.  ~Elmer Rice

I keep trying to lose weight… but it keeps finding me!  ~Author Unknown

I never worry about diets.  The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.  ~Mae West

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is fourteen days.  ~Totie Fields

Rich, fatty foods are like destiny:  they too, shape our ends.  ~Author Unknown

I’m on a seafood diet.  I see food and I eat it.  ~Author Unknown

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.  ~Author Unknown

Forget love – I’d rather fall in chocolate!  ~Attributed to Sandra J. Dykes

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.  Coincidence?  I think not!  ~Author Unknown

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.  ~Andy Rooney

Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.  ~Peter De Vries<!–, quoted in You Said a Mouthful, Ronald D. Fuchs, ed.–>

If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.  ~Author Unknown

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.  ~Author Unknown

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model.  Kate Moss?  Well, she would have been the paintbrush.  ~Dawn French

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.  ~George Bernard Shaw

The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.  ~Author Unknown

Food is like sex:  when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.  ~Beth McCollister


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